Category: Parents Zone

愛的信物緩分離焦慮

愛的信物緩分離焦慮

撰文︰遊戲治療師馮祉禧

小瀅在開學初期，每天都坐在學校禮堂外的沙發上，一邊哭著說肚痛，一邊緊握著媽媽的手。心理專家認為這是兒童患上分離焦慮的特徵。如果家長想減少兒童的焦慮感，其中一個方法便是以「信物」形式幫助兒童。為甚麼「信物」能夠產生作用呢？筆者嘗試用兒童心理發展的角度說明箇中奧妙。

看不見的安全感

近代兒童心理學家皮亞傑 (Jean Piaget)提出的認知發展論可以說明其原理。理論中的第一階段（0-2 歲），兒童能學會尋找被隱藏的物件。這行為表示兒童學會物體恆存的概念，即使物體不能被看見，他們仍然知道物體的存在，所以他們會嘗試去尋回。

而到了第二階段（2-7歲），皮亞傑認為兒童能夠使用語言和符號作象徵。例如兒童能用「狗」這個詞語表示有四隻腳、一條尾巴和發出「汪汪」聲的動物。當兒童在上學時，他們便再次經歷與第一階段相似的經驗，但他們並不是因為見不到媽媽而哭泣，而是因為兒童不能產生與母親一起時的安全感。小朋友要克服這種情況，便需要使用語言和符號作象徵的能力。可是，要將親子之間的關係有效地以象徴的形式表達是非常困難的，「信物」則是有效的輔助工具。

關係形象化

信物會在日常生活中以各式各樣的形態出現，如中國傳統有平安符，西方基督教有十字架，甚至結婚時會使用用婚戒。以傳統婚戒為例，透過金屬的物料和圓形環狀而建立堅貞婚姻的「關係形象」。「關係形象化」後不但有向外顯明的作用，更能夠令自己容易記起關係的存在。應用到親子關係上，家長能透過「信物」去表達他們的愛，令孩子時時記起自己，從而產生信心和安全感。

耐心丶決心和小心

家長使用「信物」輔助小孩時，必須謹記三個「心」。首先，要建立以「信物」象徵關係是需要一段時間的，家長必須要有耐心訓練子女。其中一種訓練是透過尋寶遊戲，以加強小朋友對物體恆存的認知和了解得和失的感受。這樣會令兒童在面對離別時減少產生焦慮。另外，家長可以和子女共同建立在離別時獨有的儀式配合信物，如在離別時作一個 goodbye kiss 或輕輕擊掌，亦可以幫助孩子過渡離別過程。

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開學了！給孩子多一點責任吧！

開學了！給孩子多一點責任吧！

撰文：財商教育學院校長（正規課程）關顯彬

新學年還有一星期就開始了，相信為人父母，都會寄望孩子能夠在學業更上一層樓，但可惜很多父母對孩子擁有生活獨立能力卻沒有要求。曾經遇上一對母子耳熟能詳的對話：

母親氣急地說：「唷！我又忘了將家課冊放在你的書包內，你先回校，我立刻回家取，一會兒我拿到學校給你。」孩子表露出不悅的樣子地說：「上次你也是這樣連累我，這次同學又會笑我忘記帶東西，老師又會處罰我了…….」究竟這是誰的責任？誰之過呢？

上述的孩子不負責任是不爭的事實，但這個陋習並非一朝一夕形成，母親亦需負上一定責任。快到9月開學了，若想孩子長大後成為一個負責任的人，父母該怎麼做呢？

人是群體動物，在群體中，每個人都扮演著不同的角色，自律地履行附帶的義務和職責，這稱為責任。例如：在公司裡，每位員工都有完成工作的責任；在家裡，父母有教養孩子的責任，孩子也有協助做家務的責任；在學校裡，學生有準時上學及完成功課的責任；將來在社會裡，有自覺保護環境、遵守交通規則和愛護公物的責任；在社交傷，朋輩間有守信用和準時出席活動的責任等。責任感是一個人能夠認知和認同自己的責任，並將之付諸實行的動力和決心。

概括而言，「責任感」可分為兩個層面：一是認知和認同的層面，二是實踐層面。首先在認知和認同的層面，上述例子中的孩子不認知和認同收拾書包是自己的責任，便是欠缺責任感。即使孩子已認知和認同收拾書包是自己的責任，但因為某些原因（如只顧看電視玩手機）而未能履行己任時，也是欠缺責任感。其次在實踐層面，父母不妨給孩子適當的學習任務和挑戰，鼓勵他們自主學習和完成學業任務，這樣可以培養他們的自律性和責任感。例如讓孩子擔任自己的學習計劃者，幫助他們制定每日的學習計劃，並自主管理自己的學習時間和進度，這樣可以培養孩子對於學習的責任感和自主性。

事實上，一個懂得負責任的孩子確實可以減少父母的擔心和憂慮。孩子若能自覺地完成責任，不會藉故推卸，父母便可減省很多時間和精神。相反，孩子若不願承擔責任，甚至推卸責任，大家便會感到有壓力和疲累。試想想，孩子這個時候犯錯也不能承受責任，處處由父母善後，長大後在工作上失責，結果會如何呢？

 

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How to make children learn to “look at people’s eyebrows and eyes”?

Parents Zone

Written by: Hong Kong Speech and Swallowing Therapy Centre
Senior Speech Therapist Eunice Siu

In our daily interactions with others, we not only observe others’ behaviors, but also “explain” and “predict” others’ behaviors. Theory of mind is the ability to infer or substitute other people’s mental states, such as their thoughts, beliefs, desires, and intentions, etc., and to use this ability to explain other people’s thoughts, perceptions, and predict their behaviors. Theory of mind can be subdivided into “emotion recognition”, “beliefs” and “pretend play”.

The developmental period for children’s theory of mind is from approximately 3 to 7 years of age. However, before the age of 3, children need to master the following skills to effectively develop theory of mind skills.

1. noticing and imitating the behavior of people around them
2. recognizing the emotions of others and using words to express them (e.g., happy, sad, angry, surprised)
3. participates in pretend play
4. understands that different people have different desires and preferences
5. understands that people will act to get what they want (e.g. reach for candy)
6. understands the causes and consequences of unsympathetic emotions (e.g. if I hit my brother, my mom will be mad and then she will scold me)

Ways to improve theory of mind are:

1. Use more psychologically relevant words when talking to your child

Using psychologically related words to communicate with children can help children understand their own and others’ psychological conditions more specifically. Examples of psychologically related words are “think,” “pretend,” “know,” “believe,” “feel,” and words related to emotions. Pay attention to what your child is trying to say and then respond. For example, “Ah! You want cake”, “Don’t be afraid! You think I’m gone, but I’m still here,” and “Mommy’s mad at you for hitting your brother. Parents can also explain to their children the psychological situation of others, e.g., “Mei-mei is smiling so much when she receives a birthday present, she should be very excited.

2. Participate in role-playing games with your child

Role-playing games encourage children to put themselves in different situations and characters’ perspectives to draw inferences about their behavior. To begin, children can pretend to be common everyday characters, such as mothers, doctors, teachers, and drivers. Parents should pay attention to the fact that both the words and behaviors in the game should be substituted for the role played. This activity helps children experience a variety of emotions, thoughts and interactions in different social situations, and learn to observe, imitate, anticipate, review and adjust their thoughts and behaviors.

I hope parents can make good use of the opportunity to share and communicate more with their children in daily life, so that they can learn to “look at people’s eyebrows and eyes” (meaning read people’s faces) and become a “mind-reading detective”!

Source：
Hollin, P., Baron-Cohen, S.,& Hadwin,J.(1999). Teaching children with autism tomind-read. West Sussex, England: Wiely Press

Lowry, L.(2015).” Tuning in” to others: How young children develop theory of mind. The Hanen Centre.

Spastics Association of Hong Kong (2005). Connecting: Developing social skills in children with autism. Spastics Association of Hong Kong.

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To love children, first to love themselves, 3 moves to teach you to maintain the best mental state

Parents Zone

Written by :Family Dynamics Child Play Therapist
                   Marriage and Family Therapist, Ms. Lee Wai Zi

In today’s society, it is indeed not easy for parents to maintain a good state of mind and body. I have met with many parents and found that the difficulty most parents face is not that they do not understand their children’s feelings and needs, or that they do not know how their behavior affects their children, but that it is difficult to maintain a trusting and optimistic attitude towards their children when they are in a situation. Often, parents become increasingly anxious as they worry that their child’s problems will continue and worsen, and repeat ineffective ways of dealing with their child’s problems.

So, how can parents maintain the best mental state to face the stress and challenges of disciplining their children? Here are some tips for parents to consider:

1. Be more sensitive to your own stress levels
Parents are human beings, so there will be times when they are depressed or physically and emotionally exhausted. The purpose of parents being sensitive to their own mental state is to remind themselves that they need to take care of their own needs first. It is difficult for parents to be sensitive and responsive to the needs of their children when they are in a highly stressed state. Conversely, inappropriate responses may harm the child and damage the parent-child relationship.

2. Use resources effectively to relieve stress
When parents feel stressed, they should try to explore and make good use of their own internal and external resources to regulate their negative emotions. For example, find family members or friends to talk to, do things that can relax you, and find positive thoughts and beliefs to encourage you. The purpose is to give yourself a proper rest and temporary relief from stress.

3. Turn your mind around and reflect
If a parent’s stress continues and increases, professional help is needed. Sometimes, these pressures come from more than just external influences. Parents’ self-worth, worldview, and perceptions of things can affect how we parent. For example, some parents worry that they are not doing enough to fulfill their parental responsibilities and end up pushing their children to study or participate in activities, or even that they are not flexible enough to respond to their children’s needs when they are stressed and negative. If

parents are aware of and take care of their own feelings and needs, they can prevent their negative emotions from affecting the next generation.

Therefore, parents who love their children must first love themselves. Only when parents are healthy and happy can their children grow up healthy and happy.

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